Thursday, April 11, 2013

Lo! Cometh the Erin-skald

Sits I, upon padded wooden-horse, whilst fingers clicky-box and palm-scroll-point, eyes fixed upon flat-show-me, mini-keg of go-blood perking.

My brain is slowly turning into that of a Viking skald: it can't think of the proper name for things anymore, and so it uses kennings instead.

The dishwasher, for example, is the hot box (not to be confused with the wet box, which is the washing machine, or the spin box, which is the dryer). The recycling container is the ching bin (because when you toss metal or glass into it, you hear a noise that sounds like CHING!). A door is a move-wall, etc.

As awesome as this might be, soon I will be utterly incomprehensible to everyone but James Joyce enthusiasts. What a slog it would be to read a story in that style...

... on the other hand, I am immensely entertained with the notion of a cookbook written entirely in this manner. Every recipe an adventure! Never entirely sure what you're going to get, or even if you're doing it right!

(a schedule for cook-making)

Quaff of Coagulated Cow
Thricequaff Toothrot
Quaff Latenight Winterdrink
Victorian Spade Antichoc
Twice Morningcrow Extrusion

Quaff of Purple Bag Elixir
Hemispade Antivinegar
Hemispade Daily Wage
Fourquaff & change Powdered Plant

Dial sunbox to prime numbers. MMA the trinity. Aforethought malice, murder the unborn one, two, then white. King the mix. Pay the king his wage, plant his crops, heat the Coke until Highlander. Testicles. Metal scrotum. Tan for demiglass. Relax upon brassiere. In your mouth, like sex.

If ye cannae ken me thinkmeat shapesongs, then Mark I the MSDS yon.


  1. I so did not get that...

  2. Neither did I, but I will be damned if it's not the most intriguing form to describe the creation of, so far as I can tell, muffins.

  3. My brain is a dark and scary place. You may be eaten by a grue.

  4. You know who were the masters of these kind of recipes? Alchemists. Sentences like "And the toad rose from his rest, to dance with the crow until he grew a peacocks tail" for example is am instruction to ferment a substance for 7 days and then heat it in an airless environment until you see fluctuations of colour.

  5. I can't wait to have a kitchen again. Stupid Egypt.

  6. Why yes! I've love another serving of Brandied Shrew!

  7. That's why I keep a match or a torch in my inventory.


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