WNW: Landslide

First this happened on Facebook:

Hi , as a man I must ask why you have lied to us for all these years . As a child I watched your advertisements with interest as to how at this wonderful time of the month that the female gets to enjoy so many things ,I felt a little jealous. I mean bike riding , rollercoasters, dancing, parachuting, why couldn't I get to enjoy this time of joy and 'blue water' and wings !! Dam my penis!! Then I got a girlfriend, was so happy and couldn't wait for this joyous adventurous time of the month to happen .....you lied !! There was no joy , no extreme sports , no blue water spilling over wings and no rocking soundtrack oh no no no. Instead I had to fight against every male urge I had to resist screaming wooaaahhhhh bodddyyyyyyfooorrrmmm bodyformed for youuuuuuu as my lady changed from the loving , gentle, normal skin coloured lady to the little girl from the exorcist with added venom and extra 360 degree head spin. Thanks for setting me up for a fall bodyform , you crafty bugger

Then this happened in reply:

We loved Richard’s wicked sense of humour. We are always grateful for input from our users, but his comment was particularly poignant. If Facebook had a "love" button, we'd have clicked it. But it doesn't. So we've made Richard a video instead. Unfortunately Bodyform doesn't have a CEO. But if it did she'd be called Caroline Williams. And she'd say this.

Which naturally resulted in this:




The end.

Thank You

The outpouring of support and unconditional love which has come as a result of this post has been nothing short of astounding. I have been called beautiful, brave, an inspiration and all sorts of other wonderful things. 

While I am indeed grateful for these compliments, I need to explain to you how my brain processes them so that maybe you can understand how I feel.

• Why is everyone calling me brave? All I've done is say "Hey, I wear a mask, and here's the real reason why." I'm still completely chickenshit because I still hide behind that mask. How is this at all courageous? Courage would be if threw the damn mask away and posted under my real name and showed my real face. Anonymity is cowardice. 
• Why is everyone supporting me? I'm just a voice in the wilderness. 99% of you have never met me. What have I done to earn this amount of love? Because I feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. For whatever reason, my heart or my brain or whatever has decided that I need to earn goodwill, acceptance and love, like it was a paycheck I could cash at the end of a week's worth of working my ass off at being love-able. 
• Seriously, have you all gone insane? I'm not worth this. Go get your heads checked. Don't waste this on me, I can't appreciate it (see above points). Spend your emotional currency on someone who deserves it, like your family or your friends or that homeless guy down the street, because (perversely) even though I crave affection and acceptance like a junkie jonesing for a fix, I just can't take anything that's freely offered. 

And then, way, way down the list of neurotic "They're just being polite, they don't really mean it" BS, we finally get to

• Still and all... I am completely flattered by all the well-wishing. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean it's not appreciated. 

Before anyone gets offended, I want to point out that it's not a deliberate reaction. I don't mean to spit in anyone's face. I've just lived with the belief that I am ugly and unlovable for so long that I am a bit like an abused dog who thinks that every hand coming in for a pat on the head or a scratch behind the ears is actually another punishing blow. I wince reflexively in anticipation of the strike because it will hurt less that way. 

Or, to put it another way:  I'm not calling you a liar. I honestly believe that you believe it. Now you need to help me believe it, too. 

Ye gods, I am needy and high-maintenance, aren't I?  In fact, the geekiest compliment I ever got was about high-maintenance I am:

"Erin, you are like the Millennium Falcon. You need constant attention and TLC or you'll break down. But when you find that one person who is willing to devote that much effort to you, you outperform everything else in the galaxy."

The sweetest thing that's been said to me so far has been from A Girl and Her Gun (who is basically the gunblog community's girl next door):

I know we are not the same. We don't think or feel the same and our experiences are not one. I mean this only as a way of trying to share and nothing more. Sometimes it doesn't really matter why someone cares or even if we deserve it (we deserve it by the way), sometimes it is healing for both us and those trying to offer support if we just accept the gift. We are all hurting, struggling, dealing with life and most of us recognize a piece of ourselves in others struggles. The details often are different and how each one manifests itself is surly not the same, but the feelings of wanting to be accepted and loved are universal. Few are brave enough to admit those struggles and even fewer are willing to have the courage to accept help and make positive changes in their own life. Courage comes in all forms. Exposing yourself to a group of people who may judge you is a very brave step. You reached out and it's ok to accept the hands reaching back.

You don't have to change anything to be accepted. Many people wears mask, but they do it more slyly. If you are unhappy, that is the only reason to think about making some positive adjustments, otherwise maybe just let others like you and accept you.

Not meaning to lecture or be long winded.

Well now. That wasn't a lecture -- that was a love letter. And now I'm all sniffly and weepy.


And now, as a thank you to my readers for wading through this self-indulgent crap, I give you PONIES WITH GUNS.  Enjoy!

Art of the Tactical Carbine by Vombavr

M14 EBR, also by Vombavr

assdfdsgsg by stupidyou3

Mares in Black by Template93

Pinkie Pie's Party Gun by *template93 on deviantART

Headaches

Having headaches for three days straight is no fun at all. Even if they're low-level, "1 on the pain scale" affairs, having them for six to eight hours wears me down and makes me miserable.

It's the difference between being punched in the face (where it hurts like a motherfucker immediately, but eventually goes away) and a twinging tooth that just keeps going and going 24/7.

I'll be so happy when the weather finishes transitioning to fall and hurricane season finally comes to a close.

Until then... anyone want to write some guest articles for me?

Bleg for Info

I'm looking for a scope to mount on my Sub-2000 and due to personal preferences, ergonomic comfort of my mother, and the configuration of the subbie, I need one with the following qualifications:

1. It must have a quick-detach mount, so I can fold the S2K for storage and cleaning. 
2. It needs to have sufficient magnification that I can reliably hit bullseye from 50 yards.
3. It must also have a way of mounting a reflex or holographic sight above the scope, for close-in home defense work. 
4. It cannot cost me an arm and a leg, so no recommending a thousand-dollar Leupold HAMR scope. Somewhere around $100 is good. I can go higher, but not much. 
5. Ideally, it should be American made, but I will settle for Not Chinese. I realize, however, that this is probably contradictory with point #4. 

If you can recommend to me a scope that has most of these characteristics, I will be very grateful. Thank you!

Confession Time

This came up  last night on #GunBloggerConspiracy, so I might as well make it official and talk about on my blog:  I have body dysmorphic disorder.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of this, because it's taken me five years just to get to the point where I feel safe enough to mention this online, however vague it may be.

This is the real reason I hide my face and legal name. Yes, I get the added benefits of pen name, such as the ability to talk crap about my family without it blowing back on me, and the fact that those of you inclined to develop crushes on my can imagine me as your perfect fantasy without harsh photographic reality getting in the way.

But the brutal truth of the matter is that I think I am hideous, and am scared beyond reasonable measure that people will look at me and vomit. Or point and laugh. Or become enraged and want to hurt me.

This doesn't so much hurt me in daily life, because I couldn't give a shit what random people think -- mostly because I have a low opinion of people to begin with. But it's terrible when it comes to forming relationships, because it's the opinions of people who I like and respect that matter. It's like fear of rejection, only ramped up to a million.

In other words, I like persons but hate people. Conversely, the opinions of people don't bother me, but the opinions of persons do.

So normally this is something I can deal with on a regular basis, because I am effectively a shut-in hermit without any real-life friends. But then I read about the awesome hijinks that occurred at this year's Blogorado, and I ache. A deep, throbbing pain in the heart and the gut, like I'd been sucker-punched and dumped at the same time.

I desperately want to meet people who think I awesome, but at the same time the though of it is pants-shittingly terrifying. I am trapped between a need to protect myself and the need for human contact.

Before you ask: No, I'm not in therapy. I have no health insurance. We can't afford it, but neither is my family poor enough to be on assistance that I can get it for free. And frankly, given my family's attitudes about psychology and perceived weakness, I would quite honestly rather die than open myself up to the verbal abuse that would result if I admitted to them that I have this condition.

So I'm stuck. And that's why I am a writer:  I can create worlds where I am welcomed and not judged. I live inside my head because living inside my body is too painful. I want to be loved, but I am afraid of rejection, so I put on this mask to hide my face in the hopes that you come to love my anonymous heart and mind and soul.

I need help, but I can't bear to be looked at.

Pony Pimpin' Part Deux

Again, a reminder that if you like awesome My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic merch, enjoy supporting friends of this blog, and are anywhere near San Francisco this weekend, you should drop by the Alternative Press Expo and buy things from Joie Brown.

She's at the AAU Children's Book Club table, #134. Support an artist!

Wednesday Night WTF

What



the fuck



is wrong with these people?




*shudders*