Saturday, April 14, 2007

A Sestina for Tool and Ass

A Sestina, as I'm sure you're all aware, is a kind of poem created by Arnaut Daniel in the late 12th century. Wikipedia defines it as "a highly structured poem consisting of six six-line stanzas followed by a tercet (called its envoy or tornada), for a total of thirty-nine lines. The same set of six words ends the lines of each of the six-line stanzas, but in a different order each time."

A writer on a forum I frequent said that he had considered making a Sestina about someone he despised using the words tool, ass, loser, scumbag, putz and freak, but he decided against it because he was lazy.

Naturally, I accepted the challenge.

I present it to you here, that you may use it the next time you get into a flamewar with someone. Just replace the relevant names and change the pronouns as appropriate.

Because nothing says "class" quite so much as insulting someone with poetry.
A Sestina for Tool and Ass

I speak to you today of a gigantic tool;
One whose words are the braying of an ass:
He calls himself [name], but we name him "loser".
Would that we could fit him with a verbal scumbag
To contain the vile ejaculate of his words. Surely this putz
Dons a full-body condom before women willingly submit to this freak.

If he came near me in such an unprotected state I would freak;
The thought of being touched by his naked tool
Makes me ill. Who in their right mind would jack his putz?
I would rather have sexual relations with a horse or an ass
Before I allowed this sickening scumbag
To penetrate me with the genitalia of a loser.

Rational arguments separate a winner from a loser
But when confronted with logic, [name] will freak
And thence resort to ad hominem attacks. "Scumbag!"
He will call you, then chuckle at his cunning use of this tool
Of debate. But will [name of moderator] ever ban his ass?
Of course not, for he too is a putz.

Did you know that the Yiddish word for "dick" is putz?
Of course you did. You're not a loser
Who makes negative ass-
Sumptions. Wasn't that clever? Sometimes I freak
Myself out with my cleverness. By the way, [name] is a tool
And, lest I repeat myself, a scumbag.

Speaking of a scumbag,
The best part of [name] oozed from his father's putz.
He should have covered his tool
With a rubber and spared us from meeting his loser
Child. Sir, next time you wish to get nasty and freak
Your wife, please do her in the ass.

The world can't bear another ass
Like [name]. Keep your corrupt seed in a scumbag
Where it belongs, you genetic freak,
Or get a vasectomy on your putz.
At the game of life, you are a loser!
For your son is a giant tool.

Thus ends "Sestina for Tool and Ass;"
I am sick of talking about this loser [name], a scumbag
Whose putz, we all hope, will never get to freak.

(Yes, I know it's not in iambic pentameter. Sue me.)

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