Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Nota Bene: This is Monday's missing post. Wednesday's post will come later today.

Loyal Browncoats who ordered the Serenity Blueprints will no doubt have received them in the mail. I implore you to resist the urge to rip into the package willy-nilly! This is a holy relic and as such needs to be treated with respect and reverence. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I will detail the proper procedure for enjoying your Sacred Scrolls.

First, you must create a sacred space. Remove all elements hostile to Firefly, Serenity, and Joss Whedon from the room. This includes any item with the word "Fox" in its name or on its container. (Naturally, your Firefly DVDs and CDs are exempt from this stricture, as they have already been purified by the Holy Name of Joss.)

Once the cleansing of the room is complete, you must now ritually purify yourself. Cleanse your filthy, sweaty body while humming the Firefly theme. Then, dress yourself in garb compatible with the 'Verse. If you lack this basic element, you must strip naked in remembrance of Trash or Our Mrs. Reynolds, as appropriate for your gender.

Next, create an atmosphere that is pleasing unto The Whedon. Scatter elements from the Money Pack upon whichever surface you intend to rest the Blueprints. Arrange your Serenity Action Figures so that they may also partake of the viewing. (You may add plastic dinosaurs if you desire.) Finally, play music from the Serenity or Firefly soundtrack, or play the Series or Movie DVDs. If for some gorram reason you lack this basic element, you may click on the Independent Flag below to play the Ballad of Serenity:

Now you are ready to open the packaging. Using a Big Gorram Knife, carefully cut the tape on the shipping container. Do not discard anything, and be aware of the order in which you unpacked!

Once you have carefully unrolled the Shiny, you may gaze upon it with awe. Savor the heady aroma of freshly-printed high-bond paper. Imagine yourself within the majestic confines of Serenity. Be amazed that this only cost you $99.00 plus s&h -- ten dollars a page, a steal at twice the price!

Be careful, however, that you do not drool upon your Serenity Blueprints. Use a Cunning Hat to absorb your excess saliva, if necessary. If perchance you feel the need to curse, do so only in 'Versespeak:
When you are finished, carefully repack your Holy Scrolls in the reverse order in which you opened them. Transport them with much awe and reverence to a climate-controlled reliquary, which should then be placed into an armored, fireproof safe, preferably one with a ten-thousand dollar guarantee.

If at the end of this viewing you feel yourself overcome with grief that such an incredible show was cancelled, you may engage in a Two Minutes Hate against Rupert Murdoch, Fox Network President.

1 comment:

  1. Fun article, thanks for linking to my Big Gorram Knife! ;)


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