Sunday, August 18, 2013

Dickanus, the Asshole God

Name: Dickanus (pronounced Dick Aynuss, although the more sophisticated Dick In Uss is also permitted)

Symbol:  A man with a penis coming out of his anus

Alignment:  Chaotic Neutral

Dickanus is neither a trickster god, nor a god of humor. Both of these concepts are too subtle for him. He is the petty god of all things puerile [don't you mean penile?], juvenile, and base; of things which would make adolescents snigger, but cause adults to sigh wearily and roll their eyes in frustration.

Dickanus is the god of toilet humor [poop!] and of gratuitous nudity [poop comes from buttholes!]. He is the peeping tom who drills holes in walls [glory holes wooo!] and who steals underwear. He is the inspiration for anatomically improbable graffiti, the source of disgusting noises made when someone bends over or sits down, and the king of tea bagging [balls on your chin]. He is the god of thinking getting kicked in the crotch is a fount of boundless mirth. He is the eternal virgin who endlessly masturbates [leaving crusty pillows in his wake]. And he will never, under any circumstances, allow anyone to be serious [dickhead says what?].

He is, essentially, the patron deity of prepubescent boys and what they think is funny. He would be a force to be reckoned with were it not for the fact that most (though not all) of his believers outgrow such things by adulthood. Those who are still so inclined usually move on to worshiping greater gods, such as those of love or procreation (or in extreme cases, gods of pain and violence and death).

Relations with Other Gods [heh heh heh, "relations"]
While most deities just ignore the Asshole God, he has a special relationship with gods of love and fertility. To whit: he is a creeping creeper who creeps on them, and in return they loathe him, sometimes violently. (For inspiration, see any PG-13 movie involving social outcasts getting back at snobby cheerleaders.)

Dickanus is frequently seen in the company of Manidono, as their worshipers often have significant overlap. Unlike Manidono, however, Dickanus has an active clergy and congregation.

Let's be honest here: if you worship a god named Dickanus, you're pretty much an asshole by definition.

That said, there are two distinct parts of a Dickanal congregation.The first group consists of overly-hormonal juveniles who think that anything rude and disgusting is hilarious, who will do anything to catch a glimpse of a bare breast, and for whom "That's what she said" and "Your mother" are practically liturgical responses. They are the ones who perform the basic rituals which give Dickanus his power:
  • Spying on women in bathhouses
  • Giving wedgies (bonus if it results in skidmarks)
  • Knocking on doors and disappearing
  • Leaving sacks of flaming dung burning on doorsteps
  • Making fart noises whenever someone bends over
  • Generally being assholes to all and sundry
They perform these rituals to pass the time, and hopefully earn enough favor with the god that they are rewarded with masturbatory material [like your mom]. They usually drift away from the church about the time they realize that their rituals are actively preventing them from getting anywhere with females who might actually be interested in them. While female Dickanusites are possible, they are rare [pink on the inside, like their crotch], and are usually even more disgusting than their male counterparts (a trait that keeps them from being harassed by the rest of the congregants). 

The second, smaller group of Dickanus worshipers are angry, bitter outcasts who have no social skills and seek revenge upon the world in general. They are not the broken-hearted, for those may still seek succor with love goddesses; no, these are the angry "permanent virgins" who are ugly in spirit, if not in flesh, and who blame the world and everyone in it for their loneliness and social ineptitude [and let’s face it, you would be bitter, too, if you were a small dickanus]. It is this latter group which goes on to become Dickanal priests, and they are rewarded by becoming excellent creepers, voyeurs, and assholes. [Want to know the three most offensive words in Common? 'God's Bleeding Cunt.']

Dickanal priests must walk a fine line of annoyance. Too much (or too twisted) and they risk being run out of the community by townfolk sick of their antics; not enough and they lose favor with their god. They must be just enough of an asshole to be irritating [like your crotch rash!], but not so much that it becomes worth the time and effort to deal with them.

Dickanus has only one prohibition for his worshipers:  Do no permanent harm (except to enemies of the faith, or in self-defense), for a dead victim is someone who cannot be irritated or creeped upon again. [Jizz stains on their clothes are permanent enough.]  Too often, a Dickanal priest has taken things too far and has descended to the depths of molestation or rape, and it is in those moments when the torch and pitchfork wielding mob catches up to them that Dickanus shows his displeasure by stripping all powers from his former priests [total dick move, bro].

Invocation and abilities
Dickanus cannot be invoked; he is far too much of a asshole to actually show up [probably too busy polishing his knob]. He will, however, often give his worshipers a special ability and then watch the proceedings using his divine powers of clairvoyance. Anyone being viewed by Dickanus is automatically aware that they are being creeped upon, but also knows that they are powerless to stop it [shake it baby, unf unf unf].

His most common blessing is giving the invoker the ability to make an opponent literally soil themselves at an inopportune moment.  Other blessings include:
  • Clairvoyance (typically to spy on people who are bathing or disrobing)
  • Ventriloquism (to embarrass someone, usually an authority figure, with rude or disgusting noises while in public; but making it seem they are swearing or insulting others is also a popular choice)
  • A Curse upon anyone who rejects them (this power is available only to priests of the Dickanal order)
Any recipient of Dickanus' blessings gains a mild affliction for twice as long as the blessing lasts:  a disgusting case of acne, poorly timed and uncontrollable wet farts, and awkward erections are all common [all your erections are awkward!].

Appearance and reaction
Dickanus is rarely encountered, but if he manifests he appears as a sleazy male of indeterminate age -- he is a dirty old man, a hormonal adolescent, and a chortling prepubescent all at once. While he is technically a high-level thief, all his skills are geared towards skulking, creeping and stealing; he will run away instead of fighting (preferably after annoying the PCs).

Upon meeting the Asshole God, roll 2d6 for reaction:
  • Result of 2-4:  All male PCs grow breasts and all female PCs grow penises. (Gender-neutral PCs grow both.) This feels highly weird and makes their armor incredibly uncomfortable, giving them a -2 to all rolls until either the curse is removed or 1d6 days pass. 
  • Result of 5-6:  All the PCs are highly skeeved out and have an immediate compulsion (as per a geas) to take a hot bath as soon as possible in order to wash the creep off of them. Any females or elves of any gender [elves give me the weirdest boners] so affected will be unable to shake the notion that they are being watched while they bathe. Anyone who does not bathe temporarily loses 1d6 points of Charisma. 
  • Result of 7: Unbeknownst to the PCs, they are each granted a wish, but it will interpreted in the most perverted and assholish way possible. When their wish is granted, they will know who it's from and why. 
  • Result of 8-10:  
    • All fighter types:  Weapons become limp and flaccid, unless they're already flaccid, like whips or flails, in which case they become startlingly erect. Damage does not change, but all weapons are -1 to hit
    • All magic types: Rude graffiti covers scrolls, grimoires and prayer books. All spells take twice as long to memorize. 
    • All religious or charismatic types:  They reek of body odor, make farting sounds when bending or reaching, and cannot talk without having their speech peppered with profanity. 
    • All sneaky types: Gain a +2 bonus to all rolls that would be relevant in a panty raid. In addition, all underwear within a 20' radius appears in their possession (bags/ backpacks/ pockets.)
    • All of these effects are removed after 48 hours or Remove Curse.
  • Result of 11: Everyone within 100' of Dickanus defecates themselves in the noisest, wettest, most explosive manner possible. -2 to all rolls due to itching and -1d6 points of Charisma until they can clean themselves. 
  • Result of 12:  Everyone feels like they've been kicked in a very sensitive and intimate area and suffer 2d6 damage. If this reduces them to 0 hit points, they are not dead; they merely wish they were, as they writhe on the ground in agony. Anyone seeing this thinks it's hilarious and loses 1d6 turns from hysterical laughter. 


  1. I'm a god? Who knew?

    Well, your mother knew, yaknowwhaddimean?? ;)

  2. I think you got your D&D / PF books mixed up with a copy of FATAL or something...

  3. Well done snark lady! :-) You've nailed those assholes to the wall with this one!!!


The Fine Print

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution- Noncommercial- No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

Creative Commons License

Erin Palette is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to